I don’t think I do a very good job of expressing myself. I can’t explain myself in a way that fully covers how I feel about a topic, and usually this is because my feelings are very iffy. I tend to support something under certain circumstances, while vehemently oppose it under others. Religion is one of these topics. Another reason it is so hard for me to discuss is because I am terrified of offending people. It is a touchy topic in some cases.
I am not personally religious. I find it hard to wrap my head around the possibilities of God, although I do not necessarily deny His existence. Which makes me Agnostic. I used to be religious. Growing up, I was Methodist. My grandparents on my dad’s side were both Methodist as well. My grandparents on my mom’s side… I honestly cannot remember what their religion is called, but I know I never followed it. I was baptized under both though. My cousins on my dad’s side are Catholic. So my family is very spread out.
After I moved prior to sixth grade, my dad and I switched to… Non-denominational? That was probably my most religious time. I went to a conference up north with the Youth Group and was saved. I still have my Bible. Actually, I have both. The one I got when I turned ten (I think it was ten) when I was a Methodist and the one I got while at the conference.
Going into seventh grade was when I started losing faith, and it was only somewhat recently that I deemed myself Agnostic. For a while I just said I didn’t know.
I have my reasons for not actually liking religion, but none of them truly apply to my life. It’s just things I’ve seen, from religions other than Christian (or some Christian faiths that have become… rather twisted). I just personally cannot bring myself to believe. Sometimes, I wish I did believe though. Faith can be a beautiful thing, believing in something beyond all doubt, no matter what, even though there is little to no physical proof. Turning to faith when bad things happen. It’s a comfort that I see in other people. I see in my maternal grandfather. He had a stroke and turned to religion after he survived. It’s a comfort that, in some of the harder moments, I sometimes wish I had.
But I don’t, and I can’t. I respect other people’s beliefs, but I seem to have a tendency to take a step back, because while I sometimes tell myself I can sympathize, I can understand, it’s not something I can take part in. I don’t feel like I belong in it. I used to, but not anymore.
I’m okay with where I stand now, there are just times I wish differently. If you know me, you’ll know that’s really no surprise.